Geeks Can Write Screenplays Too

Back a few decades ago, there was this independent film maker named George Lucas who wrote a fresh new script for a movie called Star Wars. Audiences went into this movie and were amazed and thrilled by what they saw. As a group, they shared in that experience as only movie audiences can. Is Lucas the only filmmaker with fresh fantasy/sci-fi ideas?

There are some great writers working in TV and film today. J. J. Abrams, Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are three writers that I have become a fan of through Lost. Clearly they have both fresh ideas and the skill to write good dialog (a weakness of Star Wars). Currently they are working on Star Trek XI, sure to be next year’s Christmas blockbuster.

It’s nice that they will cash in on the Star Trek franchise, but given the chance to create their own franchise from the ground up, would they take it? What writer would turn down such an offer? Create your own mythology, characters, plot, worlds, everything! I’ve never heard an aspiring writer say he was in it to adapt existing stories. Sounds tedious to me.

So Lucasfilm, how about you hire some new geek writers and help them start some new franchises? Please?

Adapt THIS!

Here are some adaptations worth looking at:

Watchmen: Based on the 12-issue comic series written by Alan Moore.

A Song of Ice and Fire: An HBO series based on the amazing fantasy series by George R. R. Martin. This project sounds too ambitious to be true, but I hope it will be half as good as the books.

World of Warcraft: I have no idea how this MMO will be adapted into a movie. I expect it will be awful. Sadly, I also expect that I will see it opening week.

Michael Moorcock’s Elric Saga: This is a fantasy writer that I want to get into. There are so many books in his “multiverse” that I don’t know where to start... Anyone have suggestions? It was announced in 2003 that an Elric movie was in the works, but nothing has materialized yet.

Coraline: Adaptation of Neil Gaiman's award-winning novella for children. Surely Gaiman can write some great new screenplays?

One scene has the Invisible Woman trying to understand why the Silver Surfer says he has no choice but to destroy the Earth. Jessica Alba delivers the worst line of the movie with equally awful acting skill: “You’ve always got a choice!” The horror of this scene was so shocking that I turned my head away from the screen, groaned, and then said “Oh shut up!” a little too loudly. Alba’s performance throughout was embarrassing, but this scene was especially amateur. We can’t blame Alba alone for the horrible scene she had to work with. Shame goes to the writers and director, and maybe to the editor who could have deleted all trace of this scene to spare us the horror.

Ioan Gruffudd’s (Mr. Fantastic) performance was also weak. This was disappointing, since I know he can act. Time to watch some Horatio Hornblower again. The personality of Mr. Fantastic was muddled and inconsistent. He was supposed to be a nerd, a genius, and a leader, while delivering bad puns and lame jokes. Gruffudd did a passable job when he was allowed to play the leader, but failed as the dancing, elastic, comical nerd. Why does every character have to crack jokes and perform visual gags throughout the movie? I would like to see Mr. Fantastic played as the straight man in future iterations of this franchise, if it’s allowed to continue.

However, even when he wasn’t cracking jokes, he was given plenty of crappy lines. For example, he used the term “cross-reference” too many times, and it doesn’t seem like the writers even know what that term means. Mr. Fantastic’s scientific computers were flashy and showed nonsense. All of his science talk was laughable. No effort was made to do research.

The Thing’s performance is worse than Alba’s, in my opinion. I attribute this to the rubber suit and disgusting synthesized voice with which actor Michael Chiklis had to deliver his (bad) lines. He looks like a cheddar cheese creature. That suit looks nothing like stone. Who looked at that suit and said, “Yes, that is what The Thing looks like.” Idiots. It looks like a big, delicious cheese man.

Chris Evans (Human Torch) gave the only good performance of the movie. His character was well-defined and he played it well. He could actually deliver the bad lines without inducing a groan or even a flinch. That’s a skill that is much needed in geek genre movies, like fantasy, sci-fi, and superhero. If you can’t deliver awkward, campy lines, then you shouldn’t be in geek movies.

The Silver Surfer was well done, and grabbed my interest enough so that I look forward to the Silver Surfer movie which is being written by J. Michael Straczynski, the mastermind behind Babylon 5. With a good script and a decent superhero, we might have a good movie on our hands. The Surfer was the only guy in the movie who wasn’t delivering bad jokes, so that’s probably why I liked him. Let’s hope that doesn’t change.

See Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer if you can stomach bad dialog delivered badly. The special effects are good enough to get you through this 90 minute film, but not good enough to forget that you’re being taken for a ride, and not the good kind.